How to ask for help even if you hate doing it.
I was wrong about how asking for help works.
The therapy sessions I talked about in the Assholes and Haters chapter of my book? They were meant to focus on that core wound of inadequacy. I needed to break through this lie my brain had believed about me not being competent enough to live fully and do what I wanted to.
Anyway, about session 4, the subject shifted to help. And after talking about it, I realised that all that panic and desperation I felt over the previous 11 years (especially around work and money) made me CHAOTICALLY reach out to people.
I’d ask if anyone knew of any jobs going.
I’d ask them whether they needed my help on anything
because shit was getting tight
I’d ask them if they knew someone who could help.
Much of it came to nothing for years. But why was this?
John the therapist and I talked through some possible explanations:
Maybe it was because people were busy with their own lives so they couldn’t obsessively keep track of mine (how dare they!)
Maybe they were afraid that if they did help that I’d eventually come back for more (that’s probably true though because if we don’t get to the root of the problem, we’re a bottomless pit of HELP MEEEEE)
Maybe they didn’t know how bad it really was or assumed someone else would help
Maybe they were going through their own crises and simply couldn’t do anything
Maybe they just didn’t care that much.
Then I added that for the most part, I had stopped asking for help. John asked why. Before I could even think about it, my brain time travelled to my childhood and snapped, “Because I didn’t get it so what’s the point?”
360
Boom. RIGHT BACK TO MY CORE WOUND. Shit happened, grown-ups didn’t help, and I got mad at myself for not being able to protect myself.
John challenged me to stop assuming it would always be the same. Cue my dramatic scoff. But he asked me to think about how I could change how I asked for help.
After thinking about it for 4 months, here was the breakthrough:
Those of us who didn’t get the help we needed as kids, didn’t get it because we were surrounded by adults who couldn’t or wouldn’t do anything to help.
So we were hoping for help from the wrong people. And because we were kids, we didn’t have another option.
Now because of that, as grown-ups, even if we have found the right people to ask, we will struggle to ask for help in an effective way because we have no practice doing it.
So what is asking for help in a way that works? What I’m about to say is only my experience. People may disagree. Okay, that’s cool. But it might be what could work for you. So here it is.
Perhaps people see our problems in an abstract way. Not grounded in reality. Our problems exist as an idea to them, not a concrete thing that causes real trouble.
Here’s an example to show the difference. I can tell you that Doritos exist. What they taste like, sound like, smell like. That’s abstract. It’s not the same thing as you holding the Dorito in your hand and checking it out for yourself. That’s reality.
So if we need people to help us, we have to shift the problem from abstract to reality by being straight up with how things really are for us.
VULNERABILITY ALERT! Don’t worry, we don’t have to show them the state of our room right now!
Then we need to find the right people to ask. Holy hell, a whole 10-volume series could be written on that.
Then we need to be much more clear about how bad the situation is and what kind of help we need in clear, concrete terms.
Will this work in every single situation throughout the history of time? Probably not.
But I’ve seen it happen and work.
Here’s how getting clear could change the message for other people. These are just theoretical examples:
So “things are bad right now” needs to be “I’m £500 short on my rent and I lost my third job in 17 months. Can you help me talk to my landlord about an extension?” or “Do you know of a way I can bring in some money fast that involves working from home?”
“I feel like I’m losing my mind” needs to be “I can’t figure out how to cut my cortisol and boost my serotonin while accessing something to help my mental health. Can you please help me find my options?”
“I’m afraid I’m never going to meet someone” needs to be “It feels like I’m missing signals with people. There have been two people in the last year that have confused me. Can you go through the messages with me and see if maybe there’s something I missed?”
“I’m too depressed to do anything” needs to be “The depression’s really bad. Can you just sit with me for awhile and listen if I want to talk?”
“I can’t even” needs to be “I am so overwhelmed that I’m frozen. Can you help me figure out the best place to start?”
These feel different to a vague question, right? It feels like it would be easier for the other person to know exactly how they could help.
The times where I did get help in the past always involved me getting clear first. I just hadn’t yet made the link in my mind.
Like when I explained how dire my lockdown money situation was to two friends (both Js), they sent work my way.
When my friend K saw how much I struggled with security, she treated me to my 50th birthday because she knew I wouldn’t be able to do it myself.
My friends V, J, K, and Missy who gave me the emotional support I needed. They were always there to listen, share their own experiences, and give encouragement, meals, whatever to keep going. Even at my most exhausted.
Or my Dad and Stepmom who stepped up to be there for me because I got over myself and got honest enough to show them how bad things had gotten.
Or the total stranger who owned a car dealership and helped me get a car even though I didn’t have a job because I reached out from the heart, told him my situation and asked for help.
They are all angels. Miracle workers.
The people outside the box can hear us. They just need to know what we need them to do for us.
One more thing - with crisis, I’m always gonna remind us that part of that connection is giving back as well.
So we need to not wait for someone in crisis to ask for specific things that they need from us.
They probably don’t know how to do that. They might be too scared. Or be fighting over a core wound about not being worthy of protecting and help.
They might even be so overwhelmed they don’t know where to begin.
If we know people are going through something, we need to just reach out, and ask what specifically they need from us.
And if they don’t know, or can’t narrow it down, we can suggest some specific things. Or just be there with them.
We need to stop assuming they’ll be okay or they’ll get help from someone else.
We have to be there to help people too. Even if we have few resources, time or energy.
That is the way it is. Because connection is not a one-way street.
We need to be interested in people. Curious. Find out what they love. What’s important to them. Listen.
The way we get to the other side is together, baby.
This is an except from my book, Good Stuff to Read When You’re About to Lose Your Shit.
